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Fun | the season's groaniest panto jokes

Iona Bower December 28, 2019

It’s that time of year again (oh no, it isn’t!) Here are some of the panto world’s cheesiest jokes to bring a smile to grey January days

In our January issue’s Cups of Tea page, we spoke to Tess Biles of The Theatre: Chipping Norton about what her day is like in cups of tea during panto season. 

Inspired by that, we’ve gathered together a few of our favourite panto jokes here. We hope you enjoy them as much as we did. And if you’re looking for our usually sophisticated Simple Things sense of humour… it’s BEHIND you!!


A pantomime horse walks into a bar. The barman says ‘Fancy a pint?’ The horse says ‘No, two halves, thanks.’


Q: What kind of pet did Aladdin have?
A: A flying car-pet.


Q: What’s beautiful, grey and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinerellephant.

Q: Who in Treasure Island has a parrot that cries "Pieces of four, Pieces of four " ?
A: Short John Silver !


Q: Why does Dick Whittington have a beard?
A: Because eight out of ten owners know that their cats prefer whiskers.


Q: What did Cinderella say when the chemist mislaid her photos?
A: Some day my prints will come.

 

And finally, a one-liner for panto time…

I used to have a job as a pantomime horse, but I quit while I was a head.

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In Fun Tags issue 91, January, pantomime, fun
Comment
Photography: Alamy

Photography: Alamy

How to play a great panto villain

Iona Bower December 11, 2018

Want to invoke boos and hisses aplenty? Here’s how


In our December issue, we’ve been looking back at the very colourful history of pantomime (oh yes, we have). And the best part in panto, as we all know, is the baddie. You can keep your garish frocks and colourful tights; if you want a part you can really get your teeth into, it has to be a pantomime villain.

The first panto villain is generally accepted to be the part of the demon king, who played against Dan Leno’s Victorian dame in Mother Goose. The demon king offers Mother Goose eternal youth and beauty in return for her golden-egg-laying goose. And thus, a star (baddie) was born. Panto has seen numerous other villains since, from Captain Hook to Dick Dastardly, Abnazar to the Evil Queen in Snow White.

If you fancy yourself as an evil villain, here are a few tips on how to get started:  


Have a catchphrase

David Leonard, who played the villain for 27 years in an unbroken run at York Theatre Royal, was famous for his catchphrase “Thwarted! I’m thwarted!”, sure to elicit cheers from every child in the front ten rows.


Get a good villainous laugh

Female villains often go with a witchy cackle, but we’re big fans of a deep and resonant “Bwa-hah-hah-hah-hah”. Best delivered over your shoulder as you exit, stage right.


Make sure your eyebrow game is good

An arch villain must have an arch eyebrow. As well as having well-groomed brows, you need to be able to use them to good effect. If you can already raise one at a time, a la Vivien Leigh as Scarlett O’Hara, you’ve got a good natural skills base to work from.


Grow a twirly moustache

A dramatic ‘tache with which to twirl is a sure sign of true evil. See: Captain Hook, whose moustache was only slightly less threatening than the lethal metalwork on the end of his arm.


Learn to swoosh a cape properly

A circling (preferably black) cape gathered in a large swoosh and then brought up to below the eyes is practically the international sign for ‘I am a baddie’. Extra points if the swoosh is delivered with some explosions and dry ice as you exit the scene.


Let the audience win

To really get a theatre full of kids up on their feet and shouting you need to throw them a bone occasionally by declaring regularly how you ARE the fairest of them all, or will DEFINITELY destroy the entire known universe in order that they can shout themselves hoarse in response with an “OH NO YOU WON’T!”

Read more about pantomime’s fascinating history in our December issue, which is in shops now.

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In Looking back, Christmas Tags issue 78, december, pantomime, theatre, entertainment, christmas
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Featured
  Buy ,  download  or  subscribe   See the sample of our latest issue  here   Buy a copy of our latest anthology:  A Year of Celebrations   Buy a copy of  Flourish 2 , our wellbeing bookazine  Listen to  our podcast  - Small Ways to Live Well
Feb 27, 2025
Feb 27, 2025

Buy, download or subscribe

See the sample of our latest issue here

Buy a copy of our latest anthology: A Year of Celebrations

Buy a copy of Flourish 2, our wellbeing bookazine

Listen to our podcast - Small Ways to Live Well

Feb 27, 2025
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The Simple Things

Taking time to live well

We celebrate slowing down, enjoying what you have, making the most of where you live, enjoying the company of of friends and family, and feeding them well. We like to grow some of our own vegetables, visit local markets, rummage for vintage finds, and decorate our home with the plunder. We love being outdoors and enjoy the satisfaction that comes with a job well done.

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