Christmas: the season of goodwill, and beating your family into submission. Here are a few tips to speed you to victory. It might be Christmas but that’s no reason to go easy on Aunt Joan
MONOPOLY
WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT?
A timeless classic. Build a property empire... as well as family rifts that will persist for decades.
ANALYSIS
Buy orange. In Monopoly, jail is the single most-landed-on square, because there are so many ways of arriving at it. But it’s more about leaving jail. As the most common numbers thrown with two dice are 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9, the orange properties – 6, 8 and 9 throws away – offer the steadiest revenue stream. For every 100 hits on purple or blue, you tend to get 122 on orange and red. It’s also about the amount you can extract. Add up the total required to buy all the properties and put hotels on them. Then add up the maximum rent on each. The higher the ratio of income to cost, the more attractive the set is to own. On this measure, light blue is best, followed by orange.
Then it’s time to crush your opponents. Assuming that £750 will be more than enough to bankrupt Uncle Simon after a few glasses of sherry, what is the minimum we can spend for each set of properties to achieve that? Spending £1,750 on the orange set (compared to £2,720 for green) gets you there.
Of course, this highlights that this isn’t really a perfect simulation of the capitalist market at all. Real Monopoly players have long known this, which is why a serious game will see side deals in the form of washing-up offers or promises to take the dog for a walk. Isn’t the free market wonderful?
Remember, there’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’... But there is an ‘I’ in “I’m going to whoop your backside at this boardgame even if it means we stay up all night”
CONNECT 4
WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT?
The Ronseal of games. Drop tiles into a grid until there are four tiles in a row.
ANALYSIS
There are 42 spaces on a Connect 4 board – seven columns by six rows. If six columns are filled, that means 36 tiles have been placed. Half are red, half are yellow. The 37th tile – the one that has to go at the bottom of the unfilled column – must therefore be filled by the player who went first. If the other player has their threat on the second row of that column, this is bad news for the first player, who is forced to facilitate their victory. Conversely, if the first player has a possibility to complete four tiles on the third row of that column, it is very good news.
This scenario happens all the time, and there is a simple way to exploit it. If you go first, ensure your threatened four in a row will be completed by putting a tile on an odd row – the third or fifth (your opponent will block a threat on the first row instantly). If you go second, ensure it’s completed by putting a tile on an even row – the second, fourth or sixth.
MUSICAL STATUES
WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT?
Standing motionless for extended periods of time. Especially helpful if you’ve got hyperactive six-year-olds to entertain.
ANALYSIS
Find ways to move your muscles without doing so visibly.
Scrunch your toes to get circulation going in your feet. Or put all the weight on the left heel and right ball, then slowly shift it to the right heel and left ball.
Dancing style is also key. Think along the lines of ‘dad dancing’, so that when the music stops, you’re in a position you can hold, rather than arms aloft doing the ‘Y’ of ‘YMCA’.
Don’t imitate your dad’s expressions, however, as facial muscles are not used to holding a position for a long period of time. Holding a massive grin on your face is remarkably difficult.
CHARADES
WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT?
Embarrassing yourself, through the medium of mime. Act out a cultural reference in a way that makes it obvious what it is. Best to avoid A La Recherché du Temps Perdu.
ANALYSIS
Be as simple as possible – too many movements are confusing.
A vigorous waving motion might be the universally accepted mime for “You’re really close, but not quite”, but among aficionados there exists what essentially constitutes a full sign language.
If the guess is correct, but should be in the past tense, move a hand backwards over your shoulder.
If it’s the opposite of what was guessed, hold your palms in front of you and swap your hands over.
If someone needs to be more specific, grind a fist into one palm.
Drill your team in these signs before the port arrives so they can fully appreciate your imaginative genius – even if they might not appreciate why they invited you in the first place.
QUICK FIRE TACTICS
JENGA
WHAT: Pull blocks from the tower without causing it to topple over.
HOW: To steady the tower as you remove a block, put your elbow on the table and your forearm vertically against it.
SIX DEGREES OF KEVIN BACON
WHAT: Link Kevin Bacon to any other actor, just by the films they worked on together.
HOW: Look for anchor points. John Wayne and Cary Grant will help you get to early-20th-century American cinema. Gérard Depardieu and Stellan Skarsgård help the leap to Europe; Amitabh Bachchan to Bollywood.
QUIZZES/TRIVIAL PURSUIT
WHAT: Gladiatorial combat for providing one’s social supremacy through the recall of unusual facts.
HOW: There’s a central, inescapable truth about quizzing: it’s about knowledge. Sorry.
Adapted from How to Win Games and Beat People: defeat and demolish your family and friends! By Tom Whipple (Ebury Press)
This was first publised in our December 2017 issue. Our current December issue has a round-up of our favourite board games for this Christmas, which Competitive Claras (and Christophers) should not miss! In the shops now or buy in the clicky link below…
Get hold of your copy of this month's The Simple Things - buy, download or subscribe