Make | Festive Things on Strings

The best decorations are the ones you make sitting round the table over mince pies and hot chocolates with carols on in the background. Here are a few things you can fling on strings and then hang about the house looking pleasingly cheerful yet rustic…

1. Popcorn. It’s our go-to garland string item. Fun to make, delicious to eat as you decorate, and it looks so pretty wrapped around the tree, too. (For most effective results, hang the popcorn garlands in a spiral going from the top to the bottom of the tree, widening with each circuit as you go). You can find out exactly how to make popcorn garlands on page 11 of the December issue of The Simple Things. 

2. Cranberries. Plump, deep pink and so Christmassy, cranberries look stunning threaded onto cotton. For more natural garland inspiration, turn to our home tour in the December issue and read about Christmas Crafting Queen Holly Grundy’s Norfolk home. 

3. Dried orange slices. Dried in a dehydrator or a very low oven, slices of orange look like tiny stained glass window when threaded onto cotton and hung in the light. They smell absolutely delicious, too. 

4. Dried apple slices. If you core the apple before slicing you’ll have rings which look charming with lengths of ribbon threaded through the holes. Try tying a cinnamon stick in for every few apple slices you thread for a more textured and even more fragrant look. 

5. Bay leaves. For a simple, evergreen look, strings of bay leaves look wonderful. You probably need a bay tree to pull this off or you’ll need to invest in an awful lot of Schwartz jars. 

6. Chillis. Festive and fiesta-ish, fiery chillies look fun strung up in the kitchen. 

7. Pretzels and monkey nuts. This is a fun one as an edible decoration for a pre-Christmas drinks gathering. Be prepared to clear up lots of crumbs. 

8. Wine bottle corks. Start saving them up and simply thread onto cotton with a needle. Whether you’ll look like a lush or just like you know how to throw a great party, we wouldn’t like to comment.

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Photography by Rebecca Lewis

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Christmas | Clementine and sage posset

Posset is a beautiful creamy dessert that is ridiculously easy to make, and here its richness is tempered by the addition of the sage

This refreshing dessert will perk up a leftovers lunch for friends and use up and double cream and clementines left over from Christmas.

Serves 6
600ml double cream
200g caster sugar
8 sage leaves
Zest and juice of 3 clementines
3 peeled and sliced clementines, to serve

you will need
6 small glasses or ramekins

1 Heat the double cream, sugar and sage leaves together over a low heat, stirring until all of the sugar grains have dissolved. Bring to a gentle simmer for 1 min, then remove from the heat and fish out the sage leaves. 
2 Add the zest and juice to the cream mixture and stir well, then divide the mixture between the glasses. Leave to chill for several hours (you can make this a day before and keep it in the fridge).
3 Serve with the sliced clementines, topped with chopped sage and a little honey.

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From our December issue…

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Christmas crackers: How to wear a paper hat plus six awful cracker jokes

There is a moment at every Christmas lunch when the paper hat is unfolded from
a cracker and plonked on the head. These crown shaped hats are peculiarly British and are said to either date back to Roman Saturnalia celebrations, or Twelfth Night knees-ups as a nod to the king or queen, depending on which source you believe. Whatever their provenance, these hats that suit no one are best worn without self-consciousness and endured until the turkey arrives, when they can be ‘accidentally’ brushed off and swept under the table.

Six awful cracker jokes

How do you drain your sprouts at Christmas?
With an advent colander.

Who hides in a bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.

What do vampires put on their turkey?
Gravey.

Why did the turkey decide to join the band?
Because it had drumsticks.

What's the best thing to put in a Christmas pudding?
Your teeth.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Can you smell carrot?

You’re welcome.
 

More Christmas fun…

More from our December issue…

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Christmas recipe: Mulled white wine

The scents of cloves and cinnamon wafting from this wintry punch are a wonderful accompaniment for any Yuletide gathering, or take some out to warm carol singers this evening

Mulled white wine with cinnamon & cloves

Warming spices and wine in a toasty tipple that tastes as good as it smells

Serves 6
1 x 750ml bottle white wine
500ml cider
Juice and zest of 1⁄2 orange
1⁄2 lemon, sliced
3–4 star anise
3 cinnamon sticks, plus extra to serve (optional)
1 tbsp cloves
1 vanilla pod
4 tbsp caster sugar

Heat all the ingredients in a pan, until steaming but not boiling. 

Serve with cinnamon sticks, if you like.

This recipe was originally published in our December 2017 issue but it’s just as warming and festive today.

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Bake: sun bread for Yule

Make bread rings that look like the sun to summon it back (and to dip into your soup, too)

The Pagan celebration of Yule (Winter Solstice) begins on 21st December and we still incorporate many of Yule’s traditions today, such as bringing in a Yule log and hanging mistletoe. This simple sun bread is an easy make and a simple way to cheer and warm the darkest day of the year. Make one for your supper to dip into soup and one for a friend or neighbour to spread the sharing message of Yule.

You will need

400g strong plain white flour

115g plain white flour

300ml slightly warm water

1 tsp salt

1 sachet (7g) easy-blend

dried yeast

How to make

1 Sift flours and salt into a large bowl, mix in the yeast and add the water. Mix to form a soft dough. Turn onto a floured surface and knead for 10 mins.

2 Oil a bowl and put the dough into it, covering the top with cling film. Leave in a warm place until doubled in size.

3 Flour three baking trays. Tip the dough out onto a lightly floured

surface and split into three portions.

4 Take one portion and roll it out into a long, thin length and join the ends

to form a circle. Place the circle onto a baking sheet and stretch it a little

more, then take a handful of flour and sprinkle and rub it all over the circle.

5 Take a pair of scissors and snip diagonally into the ring, then pull out

the point of the snip to form the first of the bread sun’s rays. Repeat all the

way around, pulling out the points as you go, and taking care not to disturb

the flour coating: it is the difference between the flour-coated parts and

the uncoated snipped parts that will help form the ray-like patterning.

6 Cover loosely with cling film or a clean tea towel and then repeat the

whole process with the other pieces of dough. Leave the covered rings to

prove until they’ve doubled in size.

7 Heat your oven to 200C/Fan 180/400F and bake for 35-40 mins,

until the tops are golden brown and the bases make a hollow sound when

tapped. Serve warm or cold.

This recipe was first featured in our December 2017 issue alongside other recipes to celebrate Yule, by Lia Leendertz. Photography by Kirstie Young.

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Science | Christmas Eve Explained

Concerned about Santa’s travelling plans this year? Fear not. We’ve uncovered the science behind the annual delivery of Santa’s sacks

Anyone who’s battled with Post Office queues during Advent will have at some point spent some time pondering upon how Santa makes it to 700 million odd children in different time zones around the globe. To save you wondering any further, we’ve followed the science and explained the Father Christmas Facts for you here. 

Santa Science Lesson 1: breaking the speed of light

Einstein showed that a very fast-moving object actually slows down time. Santa has around 31 hours (due to the rotation of the Earth) in which to deliver gifts to all time zones. To do this, he must travel at a speed of around 6 million miles per hour. However, as he speeds up, time would slow down, meaning he could take it a little easier on the sleigh pedals. 

Santa Science Lesson: fitting down chimneys

You’d think all the chimneys might slow Santa down but, assuming he goes down them himself rather than simply hurling the presents out of the sleigh and hoping for the best, the Theory of Relativity again helps him out. Travelling at 6 million miles per hour would make Santa thinner (in the direction he is travelling in). So as he whizzes down the chimney, his body becomes longer and thinner, allowing him to squeeze through the most awkward of spaces. 

Santa Science Lesson: space travel

The sleigh travels faster than the speed at which NASA spacecraft return to Earth. To prevent the sleight incinerating itself, we conclude that Santa must have used the sort of heat shield that NASA employ to prevent rockets burning up as they reenter the atmosphere. The technology was only developed during the Cold War so we can only assume that before then, the Arctic temperatures the reindeer and sleigh bring with them from the North Pole are enough to cool the sleigh as it travels. 

Santa Science Lesson: fitting all the presents on the sleigh

The question of how the sleigh holds all the presents, both in terms of mass and volume is an interesting one. Scientists estimate the sleigh, once fully loaded, would weigh approximately 1.2 million tonnes. The number of reindeer required to pull that would be around 5.6 million. We can therefore conclude that either Santa has a lot more reindeer than we know about, or that he is using newly developed nanotechnology to somehow shrink the presents on the sleigh and return them to their usual stature on solid ground. We can’t think of any other explanation.

We hope that’s answered all your gift delivery queries. If all that has got you excited for stockings, turn to page 116 of our December issue where we’ve gathered some snaps of our favrourite mantelpiece stockings, like the ones above by @drs.wife.

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Festive food | Cheeseboard Champions

Learn a thing or two about twinning cheeses with complimentary chutneys (and other sticky things)

Cheese is a key part of Christmas as far as we’re concerned. However, an excellent cheeseboard - the cheeseboard to end all cheeseboards - is as much about all the extras… the nuts, the grapes, the sticks of celery, the biscuits, and definitely the jewel-coloured pots of pickles and chutneys. And one chutney is absolutely not enough. You need to make sure that every cheese on your board has its own sticky partner to pair with. 

Cheese: Strong hard cheeses (eg mature cheddar or Lincolnshire poacher)

Pair with: A Caramelised red onion chutney

Cheese: Milder hard cheeses (eg double Gloucester or red Leicester)

Pair with: A tomato-based chutney

Cheese: Drier hard cheeses (eg Parmesan or gouda)

Pair with: Mostarda (an Italian condiment made from candied fruit and a mustardy syrup)

Cheese: Goat’s cheese

Pair with: Something with a kick of chill like a tomato and chilli chutney, or a red onion marmalade

Cheese: Blue cheeses (eg gorgonzola or Danish blue)

Pair with: Rosemary and gin jelly

Cheese: Strong blues (eg tsilton)

Pair with: Fig chutney

Cheese: White rind soft cheeses (eg cambazola or brie)

Pair with: A Plum and Apple chutney, Orange - brie loves anything fruity

Cheese: Sheep’s cheeses (eg manchego and pecorino)

Pair with: Membrillo (quince paste)

If you’re putting together your own Cheeseboard To End All Cheeseboards, you will enjoy our feature Brie Merry and Bright, by Catherine Frawley, starting on page 16 of our December issue. It has lots of recipes to add interest to your cheeseboard, from breadsticks and chestnut hummus to pickled shallots and fennel oatcakes. And, of course, a wonderful festive chutney.

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Christmas | What Does Your Nativity Role Say About You?

Photograpy: Getty

:Did you play Mary? Do you work in retail now? No? Hang on… our Nativity Career Predictor is on the blink again… 

Forget psychometric testing, your career prospects are apparently all mapped out according to the part you played in your school nativity play. This is according to a study by (rather appropriately) Virgin Money back in 2019, which looked at the earnings of 2,000 people against which parts they had in their nativities as children. Marys were most likely to work in Retail, Angel Gabriels in Healthcare… But a happy work life isn’t all about salary is it? We’ve analysed the information from the Virgin survey and have put it through our Simple Things Nativity Part Career Predictor. 

Have a go yourself and see if we got you right, or maybe you’ll find inspiration for a whole new career path ahead! Find the part you played in your nativity play below and see what your career holds! NB If you’re already a shepherd or own an inn, you can probably skip this. . 

Mary

Meek and mild, and usually draped in blue robes, Mary may be the most sought-after nativity role, but rarely has many lines. Like we say, meek and mild were her watchwords. Having given her husband-to-be the shocking news that they’re expecting a baby, her main part in proceedings is to sit on a donkey and then look benign, having delivered a Tiny Tears doll. But Mary has an inner strength, and a quiet reverence that would be an asset in many a career. 

The survey said: Marys are most likely to work in retail and earn on average £39,000 per annum. 

Our Nativity Part Career Predictor said: Marys might have a career in midwifery. We never see much obstetric help happening on stage, so we can only assume stoic Mary gets on with it alone. But children playing Mary also tend to be confident in the limelight as well as well-behaved. No nursery teacher would hand that kind of responsibility to any child likely to pick their nose on stage or use their 15 minutes of fame for nefarious purposes. If you were a Mary we can see you as perhaps heading up a green or ethical organisation; somewhere where you can use your stage presence to do good. 

Angel Gabriel

The Angel is another popular part, even though his time on stage is actually fairly short. You get some of the classic lines though: “Be not afraid!” etc. And you probably got a fancy pair of wings and a lovely foil halo too. 

The survey said: Angels are most likely to work in marketing and communications and earn on average £40,000 per annum. 

Our Nativity Part Career Predictor said: If you played the Angel Gabriel you probably were indeed a great communicator, with a LOUD voice and a love of shiny things. They don’t get shrinking violets to play the Angel of the Lord, after all. We think you might have made a career for yourself in the theatre, or perhaps as an auctioneer. We hope you’re still bringing glad tidings of great joy one way or another.

Inn Keeper

A small but vital part in the proceedings. For without the Inn Keeper there would have been no stable. Nativity Inn Keepers tend to have a bit of a twinkle in their eye. Which of us has not held our breath as the Inn Keeper is asked if there is room at the inn, and half hoped they might go off at a tangent and offer a honeymoon suite, after all? 

The survey said: Inn Keepers are most likely to be manual labourers and earn on average £37,000 a year. 

Our Nativity Part Career Predictor said: Hospitality is definitely a career path for Inn Keepers, but also in a wider sense; Inn Keepers like to be helpful and kind, and find solutions to problems. Perhaps a troubleshooter or project manager of some sort would suit you? Otherwise work within a charity or organisation such as Citizens’ Advice, where you’re able to use your knowledge and problem-solving skills to help others find their best paths.  

Shepherd

If you managed to navigate a crook and an oversized dressing gown on a rickety stage, you’re probably a fairly robust sort of person (when you’re not being sore afraid). 

The survey said: Shepherds are most likely to work in IT and earn on average £29,000 a year.

Our Nativity Part Career Predictor said: Careers in animal husbandry aside, those who play shepherds, patiently watching over their flocks and following the star to the stable, uncomplainingly carrying lambs, have lots of transferable skills; they might make good educationalists or be happy working in social care. 

Narrator

If you were chosen to be the narrator, you were truly the golden child at your school. Narrators carry a huge weight of responsibility, and must be clearly spoken, charming, well-presented and confident, as well as having a good memory for lines. 

The survey said: Narrators are most likely to work in education and earn on average £24,000 a year. 

Our Nativity Part Career Predictor said: Narrators are the true star of the show and if that was your Nativity role, you’re probably confident, charismatic and a born leader. You might make a great CEO or find a role in entertainment. Whatever you do, you’ll find a niche for yourself, front and centre, possibly people-facing, and with plenty for you to say and do. 

If you;d like to reminisce further over Nativity plays and other Christmas rites of passage, you might enjoy our feature Moments of Magic starting on page 54, which looks at first bikes, carol concerts, taking over the Christmas dinner and getting the train home for Christmas. We’re feeling festive already.

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Rituals | The Christmas Decs Box

It comes out each year, like an old friend. Here are a few ways to mark the return of the Christmas Decorations Box

Getting the box of decorations down from the attic is the moment Christmas truly arrives, isn’t it? Lifting back cardboard and pulling away bubble wrap to find familiar jewel coloured baubles nestled beneath feels a bit like coming home. And the moment when all the decorations go back in the box for another years often feels a bit poignant too, as the celebrations come to an end and life returns to normal once more. 

We think our Christmas Decs Boxes deserve a bit of reverence. So we’ve put together a few ideas for small rituals that will help make the putting up and the bringing down of the decs a bit more special, and a bit less of a chore. 

Putting up the decs rituals

1. Pick a festive tipple to be the drink you always have as you dress the tree and deck the halls. It can be as simple as a sherry if you want but you might like to pick something a bit unusual that’s particular to your household - have a look at The Simple Things blog and search ‘tipple’ for more ideas on festive cocktails you can make. It doesn’t have to be alcoholic though; try a non-alcoholic eggnog perhaps? Or a clementine mockjito maybe?  (Clementine juice muddled with sugar and lemon wedges, poured over ice and topped up with sparkling water.) Having a special ‘get the decs up’ tipple really makes it feel like the festivities are beginning. You can keep the recipe for your tipple in your decs box in case you need reminding. 

2. Keep a Decs Box guest book. Pop a little notebook in your box and each year, make a note of the date you put the decorations up, who was there to help and what you did. You could pop a photo in too if you like. As it grows each year, it will become a lovely little piece of family history. 

3. Make a playlist. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a bit of Carols from Kings as you detangle the fairy lights, but if you make your own playlist on Spotify you can add to it whenever you come across a track you like. Doesn’t even have to be Christmassy; anything that gets you in the mood for throwing holly sprigs on top of picture frames. 

Taking down the decs rituals

1. Have an online Decs Down party. Get your wider family, or just a good friend you’re long overdue a natter with, on a video call, make a cuppa (or something stronger if you like) and catch up while you wind lights around cereal packets and carefully nestle baubles back in egg boxes. This idea is great if taking the decorations down always makes you feel maudlin. Once you’ve got everything packed up and had a lovely chat, get someone else to run the Hoover round and before you know it, everything is clean and sparkling and you’re already looking forward to a new year and new plans. 

2. Pop a copy of this year’s Radio Times, or a newspaper if you like, into the decs box as you close it. There’s something oddly fascinating about looking back and seeing what you watched on telly at Christmas 2008 somehow - like your own Blue Peter time capsule. 

3. Write to your future Christmas self. You can tell yourself anything - what you did this Christmas, any highlights and lowlights, what you’re hoping for in the coming year, and maybe even what your dreams are for this time next year. It makes interesting reading when you get the box down from the attic again next December. 

The picture above is one of our ‘simple things’ from our December issue. If you’re feeling inspired by the Christmas Decs Box rituals, you might also like to read our feature The Calm Before Christmas, starting on page 82, which has lots of ideas for an alternative advent full of kind and quiet rituals and habits.

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Recipe | Lucky Meringue Mushrooms (Gluckspilze)

Sweet, advent treats to make to get you in the mood. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…

Mushrooms are seen as a symbol of good luck in Germany. As well as glass ornaments for the Christmas tree, they are also made into edible marzipan confections and these light and crunchy meringues. With a chewy centre, these are delectable on their own, but also make great ‘lucky’ decorations.

Makes about 20
2 egg whites
140g caster sugar
80g dark chocolate
¼ tsp coconut oil
1 tsp unsweetened cocoa powder

1 Preheat the oven to 100C/Fan 80C/ Gas ¼ and line two large baking sheets with baking paper.

2 Put the egg whites into a bowl and, using an electric mixer, whisk for a couple of minutes on a high speed until stiff peaks form. Reduce the speed and add the sugar one tablespoon at a time, whisking all the while, until incorporated and glossy.

3 To make the caps of the mushrooms, spoon 20 tsp of the meringue mixture, spaced 2cm apart, onto one of the baking sheets. Flatten the mounds with the back of a spoon until they’re between 2–3cm in diameter, then round off the tops.

4 To make the stalks, spoon heaped teaspoons of the mixture 2cm apart onto the second sheet. This time try to lift the spoon up as you do so to create taller (around 3–4cm high) peaks. Bake for 45 mins and don’t be tempted to open the oven door. Once the time is up, turn the oven off and let the meringues cool completely inside the oven.

5 Once the meringues are cooled, put the chocolate and coconut oil into a bain-marie with a 1cm of water in the bottom. Heat on low then, once the chocolate starts melting, stir until glossy. Spoon chocolate onto the underside of each mushroom cap. The chocolate will act as the glue to hold the stalk in place. While holding a cap in one hand, gently push a stalk into the centre of the chocolatecoated side – you will hear a cracking sound as it breaks through the base of the meringue cap; don’t worry, it’s a good thing as it means they will stick together well. Place cap-side down on the baking sheet and repeat with the remaining caps and stalks.

6 Once the chocolate has set (which will take an hour or so), turn them over onto their stalks and, using a sieve, dust the tops of the caps with cocoa powder.

Cook’s note: Stored in an airtight container, these will keep well for about 2 weeks.

Taken from Advent: Festive German Bakes to Celebrate the Coming of Christmas by Anja Dunk (Quadrille). Photography: Anja Dunk. You can find more of Anja’s recipes for Advent bakes and makes starting from page 75.

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Staple foods 7 | Champagne

Only at this time of year would champagne qualify as a staple - but it is a time to eat, drink and be merry

Native to Northern France, only 60 miles east of Paris, champagne is a sparkling wine from the region of the same name, which is home to 319 wine-making villages and more than 15,000 wine growers.

Traditionally, it is made of a blend of white and red grapes – pinot noir, pinot meunier and chardonnay. While still wine is the result of fermentation, champagne’s bubbles, like most sparkling wines, are the product of a second fermentation through the addition of yeast and sugar. Since 1936 it’s been awarded an AOC (Appellation d’Origine Contrôlée) thanks to its unique terroir, with its northerly latitude, cool climate and chalky soils.

Other sparkling wines are available round the world, from Spain’s cava and Italy’s prosecco to Germany’s Deutscher sekt. And you can find increasingly good sparkling wines from England, Brazil, Australia and South Africa. But a bottle of champagne is popped around the world every two seconds.

This feature was originally published in our December 2017 issue, but there’s always time for champagne. We hope whatever you’re drinking this evening, it brings a little sparkle with it. A very happy and hopeful 2021 from all of us at The Simple Things.

From our December issue:

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Quiz | Your Fictional Christmas Persona

Grab a sherry, a snack and a quiet half and hour and take part in our fun, festive quiz to discover who
your fictional Christmas persona is…

1. When do you usually start planning for Christmas?
A Usually just in the nick of time.
B I’ve been ticking off the sleeps since summer ended.
C When the first frost arrives.
D It’s Christmas? Oops. When do the shops shut?
E Plans? Well, for planning I care not a jot
The plans that I plan you’d call more of a plot!

2. When does your tree go up?
A Not until all the family are home to do it together.
B On Christmas Eve, as is traditional and correct, of course!
C I prefer to put some outdoor lights around a few of the firs in the garden. All those trinkets indoors make me feel a bit giddy.
D I’ve usually got quite a lot on my plate. Hopefully my other half will get it sorted.
E I steal all the tinsel as soon as I durst,
And I stuff up the tree on December the first.

3. Favourite Christmas food or tipple?
A A flaming rum punch, no, wait!… A mulled wine, extra heavy on the cinnamon.
B Sugar plums dusted with icing sugar and bowls of golden nuts.
C A simple candlelit supper does it for me, or a winter picnic outdoors.
D A whisky Mac.
E I never try anything far too ambitious,
But a simple roast beast is always delicious.

4. What would your ideal Christmas gift be?
A I’d always go for an ‘experience’ type of gift, something that would allow me to spend time with those that I love.
B Something beautiful and magical – a snow globe or a music box? Something that’s well-crafted, which I can treasure.
C A really simple but lovely hat and scarf to keep me toasty outside.
D A pair of socks. Or some slippers. Actually, anything wardrobe-based really, I seem to be running low on everything. And a German phrasebook.
E I don’t get many gifts, which I find quite upsetting.
Christmas for me is all about GETTING!

5. What’s your favourite part of the festivities?
A Listening to the bells ring after Midnight Mass and remembering what it’s all really about.
B The anticipation of Christmas Eve as family arrive and the tree sparkles, packed with presents.
C A walk out in the cold first thing on Christmas morning while everyone else sleeps on.
D Finally getting home from work and putting my feet up. But I like to keep moving over the holiday, too, with some blustery walks out at the coast and a bit of hill walking.
E Not a lot about Christmas impresses me truly
But I do like the chance to be wild and unruly.

6. What’s your Christmas tradition?
A Putting the angel at the top of the tree with my loved ones.
B A trip to the ballet. Always beautiful at this time of year!
C I much prefer to celebrate Midwinter. Usually an outdoor gathering with friends and plenty of fresh air.
D A quiet whisky by myself in my favourite chair before dealing with the hordes of uninvited guests.
E On Christmas Eve night in homage to St Nick
I sneak out of my house and I trick a few tricks.

7. What do you find most tricky about this time of year?
A Wanting to be able to make everyone else happy.
B Getting to sleep on Christmas Eve. It’s just all too exciting!
C Accepting that this special time is all over in the blink of an eye. Nothing lasts forever.
D The public displays of affection and keeping track of the names of everyone you meet at parties.
E The singing, the squealing of girls and of boys,
It’s not the children I loathe, it’s the noise, noise, noise, NOISE!

8. How do you feel once it’s all over?
A Tired but happy, and looking forward to a new year.
B A little melancholy that all the magic is over for another year.
C Christmas is only part of the celebrations. I love the hygge aspect of it and enjoy the dark evenings until spring arrives.
D Exhausted, relieved and in need of a long lie down.
E Having carped about Christmas I will often admit
I find I rather like it, at least a small little bit

Now add up the numbers of As, Bs, Cs etc and scroll down to find out which Christmas character you are.

MOSTLY As Clarence Odbody, the imperfect Christmas fixer
Clarence Odbody is the angel (second class) from It’s a Wonderful Life. While a little way off being positively saintly, you do your best, and for you, this season is all about family, friends and the true meaning of Christmas. You love connecting with those close to you at this time of year. Remember to take some time just for you, though. There’s nothing wrong with a few frivolous pleasures and you deserve to be as happy as the people around you that you work so hard for.

MOSTLY Bs Clara from The Nutcracker, the bringer of the magic
A lover of the magic of Christmas, a little part of your Christmas self never progressed from being six years old – in a good way! The people you spend this time with value you for your never-ending enthusiasm, your unsurpassed mince pies and your wish to always ‘do things properly’ and immerse yourself in the seasonal spirit.

MOSTLY Cs The Snowman, the outdoorsy type
Raymond Briggs’ frosty creation, you feel a need to be out in nature at this time of year. You love the quiet and the dark perhaps more than all the gaudy baubles and lights indoors – and your ideal winter days are spent out in the fresh air noticing how nature persists, even in the coldest months. Your Christmas style can best be described as Hyggelig; a little bit Scandi and pared back, with greenery in abundance. Much as you enjoy the outdoors, you still love coming back to the warmth of your home and gazing into the fire.

MOSTLY Ds John McClane, hero of Die Hard, the festive triumpher over adversity
It’s fair to say John McClane (played by Bruce Willis) doesn’t have an easy Christmas Eve. You might also feel as though the festivities are an insurmountable task and events always seem to conspire against you at this time of year (albeit with less gunfire). Remember you don’t have to take on every task that gets thrown your way; it’s fine to delegate or just decide not everything is getting done. No one will notice (assuming you’re not in a hostage situation like John, of course).

MOSTLY Es The Grinch, the humbug who, secretly, quite likes it all
You find the festive season a bit much and the irritation of it all can bring out your mischievous side. Whatever the reason why, we’d hazard a guess that, unlike the Grinch, it’s not that your heart is two sizes too small. Find the bits of Christmas that you love and throw yourself into them, whether that’s country walks, a phone call with an old friend, or sitting down with a new book. Once the festivities are over, you’ll likely find that, actually, you had a lovely time.

More festive fun for you…

From our December issue…

The art of the Christmas CD

The Guardian's Music Editor has found a tuneful way to send seasonal greetings

'Weekends in November become a hell in our house. Our family, you see, does not send out Christmas cards. We distribute CDs of Christmas music, researched, compiled, burned and then packaged by me, over the course of two or three weekends. So I spend November poring over MP3 blogs and sorting through my CDs to find the perfect 30 or so songs. Our tradition began at the end of my first year editing the Guardian’s music coverage, in 2006. Deluged in festive albums, I thought I’d turn them into something more fun than a Christmas card. The recipients seem to think so, too – as years have passed, I’ve started getting requests, and now I have to make around 200 of them. That’s where November goes. There’s a policy: the music must be either good or interesting. And preferably little known. No Slade, no Wham!, no Top of the Pops staples – soul, funk and folk provide rich pickings. The harder you look, the better the snippets – I’m proud of the year I topped and tailed the CD with Christmas messages from Mae West and the long-forgotten metal band Quiet Riot. As I write, I’m just starting to think about this year’s compilation. And wondering where I might find the perfect song no one has ever heard before.'

Michael Hann tweets at @MichaelAHann
 

This was originally published in our December 2015 issue but we think it’s always worth listening to Michael Hann’s festive suggestions so we’re sharing it again. We hope you enjoy it.

Listen to Michael's Christmas playlist now.

A few of our Christmas playlists…

Think | Christmas Eve magic

It’s that most wonderful time of the year again…

Tradition dictates that you shouldn’t bring your Christmas tree home and decorate it until Christmas Eve itself. But we’ve always believed in making your own traditions. Particularly this year.

Whether you’re bringing your tree home today or have had it up since Halloween, however, there’s something really magical about that moment when everything ‘just stops’ for Christmas. 

As you pull your tree into the house and shut the front door on the cold; or finally close the laptop and pour yourself a sherry; or trudge in from the garden, plonk the bags of sprout stalks and parsnips down on the table, take off your coat and put Carols from Kings on the radio, take a slow breath or two and whisper to yourself: “it’s nearly here!”

Merry Christmas from us all at The Simple Things.

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From our December issue…

More Christmas spirit…

History | Butcher, baker, candlestick maker

Illustrations by Flora Waycott

A bit of history behind the three knaves of the nursery rhyme

If you already have your copy of our December issue, we hope you’ve enjoyed our front cover by Flora Waycott, featuring folk style illustrations of a very festive butcher, baker and candlestick maker; just some of the people who make Christmas happen.

But where do the three men in a tub (of Rub a Dub Dub fame) come from? Well, back in the 14th century, the rhyme referred to maids in a tub, rather than men, in what was a decidedly dodgy fairground attraction apparently, along the lines of a modern peep show! We think we’ll stick to the dodgems!

The rhyme went:

Hey! rub-a-dub, ho! rub-a-dub, three maids in a tub,

And who do you think were there?

The butcher, the baker, the candlestick-maker,

And all of them gone to the fair

It was an admonishment to respectable men of the town behaving in a dishonourable way. Plus ca change, eh? The phrase ‘rub a dub dub’ stood in for a piece of gossip or innuendo, like a 14th century ‘nudge, nudge, wink, wink’. 

But by the early 19th century the rhyme was appearing in books of nursery rhymes under a new and cleaner guise, though a reference to the butcher, baker and candlestick maker still being rather rakish is there: 

Rub a dub dub,

Three fools in a tub,

And who do you think they be?

The butcher, the baker,

The candlestick maker.

Turn them out, knaves all three

If you’d like to read more about the knaves, our December issue is out now and in it you can meet a real-life (and much more wholesome) butcher, baker and candlestick maker.

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More diversions from children’s rhymes and stories…

More from our December issue…

Christmas: Make a 100 wishes bay leaf garland

Make a 100 wishes bay leaf garland or wreath this Christmas.

You will need:

A needle and strong thread, in any colour
Lots of bay leaves.

1. Tie a knot at the end of a long piece of thread and run the needle through each leaf until you have gathered a large bunch.

2. Next, pull and tie the two ends together. 

3.The garland can be tied to a door or placed on a table. Use the bay leaves over winter to cook with, write down your wishes, dreams and hopes and share them with your friends. Simple pleasures. 

Taken from The Magpie & The Wardrobe: A Curiosity of Folklore, Magic & Spells by Sam McKechnie and Alexandrine Portelli (Pavilion Books)

 This was originally published in December 2014.. Get hold of your copy of this month's The Simple Things - buy, download or subscribe

From our December issue…

More December inspiration…

How to win at games

Christmas: the season of goodwill, and beating your family into submission. Here are a few tips to speed you to victory. It might be Christmas but that’s no reason to go easy on Aunt Joan 

MONOPOLY
WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT?
A timeless classic. Build a property empire... as well as family rifts that will persist for decades. 
ANALYSIS
Buy orange. In Monopoly, jail is the single most-landed-on square, because there are so many ways of arriving at it. But it’s more about leaving jail. As the most common numbers thrown with two dice are 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9, the orange properties – 6, 8 and 9 throws away – offer the steadiest revenue stream. For every 100 hits on purple or blue, you tend to get 122 on orange and red. It’s also about the amount you can extract. Add up the total required to buy all the properties and put hotels on them. Then add up the maximum rent on each. The higher the ratio of income to cost, the more attractive the set is to own. On this measure, light blue is best, followed by orange.
Then it’s time to crush your opponents. Assuming that £750 will be more than enough to bankrupt Uncle Simon after a few glasses of sherry, what is the minimum we can spend for each set of properties to achieve that? Spending £1,750 on the orange set (compared to £2,720 for green) gets you there.
Of course, this highlights that this isn’t really a perfect simulation of the capitalist market at all. Real Monopoly players have long known this, which is why a serious game will see side deals in the form of washing-up offers or promises to take the dog for a walk. Isn’t the free market wonderful?
Remember, there’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’... But there is an ‘I’ in “I’m going to whoop your backside at this boardgame even if it means we stay up all night”

CONNECT 4
WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT?
The Ronseal of games. Drop tiles into a grid until there are four tiles in a row. 
ANALYSIS
There are 42 spaces on a Connect 4 board – seven columns by six rows. If six columns are filled, that means 36 tiles have been placed. Half are red, half are yellow. The 37th tile – the one that has to go at the bottom of the unfilled column – must therefore be filled by the player who went first. If the other player has their threat on the second row of that column, this is bad news for the first player, who is forced to facilitate their victory. Conversely, if the first player has a possibility to complete four tiles on the third row of that column, it is very good news.
This scenario happens all the time, and there is a simple way to exploit it. If you go first, ensure your threatened four in a row will be completed by putting a tile on an odd row – the third or fifth (your opponent will block a threat on the first row instantly). If you go second, ensure it’s completed by putting a tile on an even row – the second, fourth or sixth.

MUSICAL STATUES
WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT?
Standing motionless for extended periods of time. Especially helpful if you’ve got hyperactive six-year-olds to entertain. 
ANALYSIS
Find ways to move your muscles without doing so visibly. 
Scrunch your toes to get circulation going in your feet. Or put all the weight on the left heel and right ball, then slowly shift it to the right heel and left ball. 
Dancing style is also key. Think along the lines of ‘dad dancing’, so that when the music stops, you’re in a position you can hold, rather than arms aloft doing the ‘Y’ of ‘YMCA’. 
Don’t imitate your dad’s expressions, however, as facial muscles are not used to holding a position for a long period of time. Holding a massive grin on your face is remarkably difficult.

CHARADES
WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT?
Embarrassing yourself, through the medium of mime. Act out a cultural reference in a way that makes it obvious what it is. Best to avoid A La Recherché du Temps Perdu.
ANALYSIS
Be as simple as possible – too many movements are confusing.
A vigorous waving motion might be the universally accepted mime for “You’re really close, but not quite”, but among aficionados there exists what essentially constitutes a full sign language.
If the guess is correct, but should be in the past tense, move a hand backwards over your shoulder.
If it’s the opposite of what was guessed, hold your palms in front of you and swap your hands over.
If someone needs to be more specific, grind a fist into one palm.
Drill your team in these signs before the port arrives so they can fully appreciate your imaginative genius – even if they might not appreciate why they invited you in the first place.

QUICK FIRE TACTICS

JENGA
WHAT: Pull blocks from the tower without causing it to topple over.
HOW: To steady the tower as you remove a block, put your elbow on the table and your forearm vertically against it.

SIX DEGREES OF KEVIN BACON
WHAT: Link Kevin Bacon to any other actor, just by the films they worked on together.
HOW: Look for anchor points. John Wayne and Cary Grant will help you get to early-20th-century American cinema. Gérard Depardieu and Stellan Skarsgård help the leap to Europe; Amitabh Bachchan to Bollywood.

QUIZZES/TRIVIAL PURSUIT
WHAT: Gladiatorial combat for providing one’s social supremacy through the recall of unusual facts. 
HOW: There’s a central, inescapable truth about quizzing: it’s about knowledge. Sorry.

Adapted from How to Win Games and Beat People: defeat and demolish your family and friends! By Tom Whipple (Ebury Press)

This was first publised in our December 2017 issue. Our current December issue has a round-up of our favourite board games for this Christmas, which Competitive Claras (and Christophers) should not miss! In the shops now or buy in the clicky link below…

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How to play a great panto villain

Want to invoke boos and hisses aplenty? Here’s how

In our December issue, we’ve been looking back at the very colourful history of pantomime (oh yes, we have). And the best part in panto, as we all know, is the baddie. You can keep your garish frocks and colourful tights; if you want a part you can really get your teeth into, it has to be a pantomime villain.

The first panto villain is generally accepted to be the part of the demon king, who played against Dan Leno’s Victorian dame in Mother Goose. The demon king offers Mother Goose eternal youth and beauty in return for her golden-egg-laying goose. And thus, a star (baddie) was born. Panto has seen numerous other villains since, from Captain Hook to Dick Dastardly, Abnazar to the Evil Queen in Snow White.

If you fancy yourself as an evil villain, here are a few tips on how to get started:  

Have a catchphrase

David Leonard, who played the villain for 27 years in an unbroken run at York Theatre Royal, was famous for his catchphrase “Thwarted! I’m thwarted!”, sure to elicit cheers from every child in the front ten rows.

Get a good villainous laugh

Female villains often go with a witchy cackle, but we’re big fans of a deep and resonant “Bwa-hah-hah-hah-hah”. Best delivered over your shoulder as you exit, stage right.

Make sure your eyebrow game is good

An arch villain must have an arch eyebrow. As well as having well-groomed brows, you need to be able to use them to good effect. If you can already raise one at a time, a la Vivien Leigh as Scarlett O’Hara, you’ve got a good natural skills base to work from.

Grow a twirly moustache

A dramatic ‘tache with which to twirl is a sure sign of true evil. See: Captain Hook, whose moustache was only slightly less threatening than the lethal metalwork on the end of his arm.

Learn to swoosh a cape properly

A circling (preferably black) cape gathered in a large swoosh and then brought up to below the eyes is practically the international sign for ‘I am a baddie’. Extra points if the swoosh is delivered with some explosions and dry ice as you exit the scene.

Let the audience win

To really get a theatre full of kids up on their feet and shouting you need to throw them a bone occasionally by declaring regularly how you ARE the fairest of them all, or will DEFINITELY destroy the entire known universe in order that they can shout themselves hoarse in response with an “OH NO YOU WON’T!”

Read more about pantomime’s fascinating history in our December issue, which is in shops now.

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More retrospectives to read

More from our December issue

Cracker jokes: a short history

The men who put the cheese into the (Christmas) crackers

You might or might not know that the Christmas cracker was invented by Tom Smith, in 1847. Smith was a confectioner who sold sugared almonds wrapped in twisted paper, and very popular at Christmas they were, too. He started adding mottos and love poems to his almonds, being as they were largely bought by gents for their lady friends.

Inspired by the cracking of a log in his fire, he added the surprise ‘bang’ (because what says “I love you, my darling” like gunpowder and a minor coronary, after all?)

But it was in the 1900s when his sons were in charge of the business, that they added the paper hat. And, in the 1930s the love poems and mottos were replaced by jokes. How the old romantic Smith Senior felt about this, we couldn’t tell you.

Tom Smith’s Crackers still trades to this day and even supplies the Royal Household. Question: What does the Queen sound like when she groans at a bad joke?... No, this isn’t a gag, we were just genuinely wondering… But if it’s jokes you’re after, we have gathered together a few of the cheesiest, most groan-worthy going. Stand by with your Ba-Doom Tishes!

Q. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A. Tinselitis

Q. What do you call Father Christmas on the beach?
A. Sandy Claus.

Q. What happens when Santa’s elves are naughty?
A. He gives them the sack.

Q. Who does Santa phone when he’s ill?
A. The National Elf Service.

Q. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A. Mince spies

Q. What do you call a group of chess players bragging about their prowess in a hotel lobby?
A. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Q. What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
A. Can you smell carrots?

You can find more Christmas miscellany (and some rather lovely crackers, too) in our December issue, on sale now.

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Read more Christmas miscellany…

More from our December issue…

The frost report

The Simple Things’ Lia Leendertz talks us through frost in all its forms

We’re unlikely to have snow at this time of year (though never say never) but what we can enjoy is the delicately beautiful arrival of frost. Read on for an explanation of the different types and how and why they occur.

Hoar frost

From ‘hoary’, meaning aged and whitened, in reference to the shaggy and feathery coating that hoar frost leaves. It occurs under calm, cloudless skies, when there is no (or very little) wind, and under ‘inversion’ conditions: when cold air is trapped under warmer air.

Advection frost

Strong, cold winds prettily rim the edges of objects and plants with tiny spikes of frost, usually pointing in the direction of the wind.

Window frost

Also known poetically as fern frost or ice flowers, this is the frost that creeps across window frames forming swirls, feathers and other patterns, caused by the difference between the very cold air on the outside of the glass and the warmer, moderately moist air on the inside. The growth of the patterns responds to imperfections on the glass surface.

You can read more about Lia’s winter adventures in her veg patch in our December issue. Follow her on instagram @lia_leendertz. You can buy Lia’s book The Almanac: a seasonal guide to 2019 (Hachette Books) in shops now.

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Read more about winter…

Read more from our December issue…